WVCardClub@googlemail.com

October 13th.
18 runners

GERMANY 2-1 RUSSIA

Only 18 runners for this one, but a decent prize pool nonetheless mostly thanks to Matt’s contribution of approximately 80 re-buys. “Credit crunches, I shit ‘em,” was his mantra and from the off his raising chips were in the saddle and rode us all like bitches…all except the Big Dick in the two seat who rode him back. Matt was last seen out by the river staring at the sky talking to a cloud.

With about £1,700 in monies to play for the proper poker began after the break with a disgusting series of events from my point of view. With nothing much in the way of cards coming my way I decided to offer up some chips with a hand that was nothing more than a poker objet trouvé - a classic nay school boy error. The flop giving me top pair was enough for me to shove my remaining goo in the middle only for Jonathon of Miles to insta-call with a slow played set of threes. Bastard! A perfectly executed coup de théâtre sent me to the sidelines with empty pockets and an empty heart. After you with the cloud Matt.

A bunch of stuff quickly ensued on the other tables I wasn’t much interested in or paying any attention to and in no time at all we were down to a final table of nine with Joey of Aizpura our chip leader with a stack of approximately millions.

The early exchanges were frantic, probably, I don’t know, my view was obscured by Lucky Jim’s right hand, but I do know the eponymous farmer wasn’t so lucky in one hand and exited first from the final table after someone had a much better hand than his.

Twiz was next out, flushed by Nick and then the shit really hit the fan. Kapow, Oooooof, biffo, it was anarchy, chips flying in every which way… raise, re-raise, ALL-IN CALL CALL!! Wino v Gideon v Martin. Wino tabled AK of hearts, Gideon clearly assuming the lord was still on his side showed 2-2, leaving Martin’s Q-Q in great shape. Queen high flop and the turn and river both blanks and we were down to 5. I wasn’t even involved but lord be my witness the adrenalin was pumping now, I had rarely felt so alive and it wasn't over yet by jingo.

I had hardly caught my breath in fact by the time Pete had his chips in the middle too!! Although to be fair this was between 40 minutes to an hour later, I just didn’t have my inhaler with me. Pete 's 4-4 was in poor shape against Paul of Peros’ Q-Q and even Buddha was unable to influence the outcome and we were four handed.

Not many flops were being seen at this point, mostly just raise and take it stuff, and I then took an ill timed visit to the toilet as Joey got busy being knocking himself out of the tournament. I shall confess I may have made it back in time to witness his demise, but I spent a couple of minutes making lion noises to myself in the mirror. Let’s just say for the sake of posterity that Joey got his chips in the middle with 10-10 and Martin rivered a straight after calling a 30,000 bet with 8-2 off-suit. Something cool like that.

Down to three and again it was mostly the pre-flop raiser who took the pot down. We were waiting for two big hands to collide like Lucky Jim trying to catch a cricket ball and the inevitable occurred presently. It was a race – Paul of Peros with 3-3 against the big slick of young Nick. Ace on the flop though and we were heads-up.

With not much occurring during the early exchanges and the chip stacks roughly even, Nick or "Nikoli" went all Russian on us and offered up poker’s equivalent to Perestroika with a proposal the money be split. A leftie, pinko, communist gesture compatible with the global economic mood at present and Martin agreed. Glasnost was the winner, but although no one won or lost in financial terms, the remaining points were still up for grabs and a penalty shoot-out was to ensue to settle the matter.

Ever since young Martin regaled me with tales of his school days where he would play conkers in the school playground on a cold misty autumnal morning before scampering indoors as the morning bell rang to then embark on a terrifying anti-semetic baiting of his Jewish teacher by leading his class mates in five minutes of solid Seig Hailing, I suspected his heritage was Teutonic in flavour and so it proved as he showed nerves of steal to win the tournament via the penalty shoot-out against hapless Russian defector Nikoli Dobsononovic 2-1.